Foreign Teacher is Victim of Apparent Sex Scam and Conspiracy

Question

Hi, Dr. Greg, I’ve got a major problem and I can use some advice from someone I believe is trustworthy and knows what he is talking about.

I was in China for four months when I was introduced to this Chinese woman by my school’s FAO. She works as a receptionist at the front desk of a 5 star hotel in town. Her English is very good and I thought she was very attractive.

I was very surprised when she told me she was 40 yrs old. She looked about 30 to me. I am 44. After we had only 3 dates, she invited me home to meet her family. I didn’t think anything of it at the time so I agreed. But when I got there the whole situation was very strange. Her brothers were calling me ‘brother-in-law’ and her father was calling me ‘son-in-law’. Then, the following day she told me that her father had just purchased her apartment as a wedding gift for us! I thought I was going to have a heart attack when she told me this.

The other thing that is bothering me is that she denies any boyfriends from the past. She claims that I was her first boyfriend and that she was a virgin before we slept together. Is this possible? Is there such a thing as a 40 yr old virgin in China? So now she is telling me that the only right thing for me to do is to marry her. I don’t believe her story at all because she seems much too experienced in bed to be a virgin. I have also read about how there is surgery in China for women to repair their hymens and I think this is what she did. But she is insisting that I was the one who took her virginity.

When I told her that I didn’t want to marry someone I had only known for less than a month, she went crazy. She threw my new 12,000 RMB laptop out the window of my apartment on the 17th floor. She threw the rice cooker against the t.v. and broke the screen and she ripped the telephone out of the wall and threw that out the window too. Finally I decided to restrain her and now she is telling her family that I beat her. All I did was just hold her by the wrists so that she wouldn’t cause any more damage. Her father is supposedly a very important person in the local government.

Now she says her father is going to have me deported if I don’t marry her and I tend to believe that. I am really scared. What should I do? I was thinking I should just go back home on my own but that would mean breaking my contract with the school. I tried to discuss this situation with my school and all they did was inform me that if I break my contract they will ‘take matters into their own hands’ and that I have to pay them 5,000 rmb in damages to the apartment which my girlfriend caused. So now I have two separate entities threatening me.

I really need help with this. What should I do. HELP.

Answer

Note: When I first read this, I wondered if it was a joke. To make certain, I contacted the author by e-mail asking him for his real name and telephone number, which he provided. After discussing this situation with him for over an hour on the phone, I am convinced that the story he related is quite real. The original question was edited to remove any identifying information.

It doesn’t help the original poster to review everything he did wrong, but as I am sure it will help others, I will take the time to do just that.

For starters, never ever have sex with a local girl in China who claims to be a virgin (whether she is in fact a virgin is truly besides the point—her claim needs to be taken seriously due to the grave implications it has) unless: 1) She fully understands that you have no intentions of marrying her at this time (and this is still extremely risky business) or; 2) You plan to marry her. It is really that simple.

Second, never ever agree to meet the girl’s family unless you have plans to marry her. In China, this is tantamount to an announcement of engagement.

Third, you need to always keep in mind that, in China, unmarried women over the age of 30 are desperate to get married. Not only will the women feel desperate, but so too will their families. From the perspective of a 40-year old “virgin” in China, you were her last chance at matrimony and “living happily ever after.”

Now, having just written all of this and after speaking with the author, I think there is a good chance the OP is the victim of a scam involving both this family and the school. The OP owns a successful business in the states and everyone involved is aware of this (which, by the way, is the fourth and probably biggest mistake the OP made).

As I am relatively convinced that this is all about money, I am also just as certain that money will “fix” the problem. I would suggest that you offer the girl a sum of money, to be negotiated, for her “trouble” and that you offer the school another sum of money to release you from the contract as well as provide you with a letter of recommendation in which it is clearly states that you finished your commitment to the school, performed well, and that you are “worthy” to remain in China. Ask the school not to process your paperwork until after you have found another job and until the new school has converted your residency permit to their sponsorship. Do not agree to have them downgrade your residency permit to a tourist visa: in most provinces, the local PSB will be unable to convert that back to a Z-visa. Make sure to put all of these terms in writing before you hand over the money. In addition, have the women sign a receipt for whatever monies you pay her.

For those of you who are single men and thinking about teaching English in China, please make a point of reading the unit on Dating, Sex, and Relationships in China in the guide (pages 23a through 23g) before getting involved with Chinese girls.

Good luck to you Jim and let us know what happens.

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