Dating, Sex, & Relationships

What to do about this Chinese guy..?

I'm European and moved to China 5 months ago.

I work in a Chinese company and, in my first week, I struck a good rapport with a local guy.

In the first few weeks he was friendly and made a good effort with getting to know me.

As the weeks passed I realized there's a mutual attraction. I'm guessing he sensed it as well because he became shy and stared a lot.

Then I went away for Chinese New Year and he was intrigued if I was staying with a boy or a girl. I'm guessing he was finding out if I'm single or not. By the way I'm single!

When I got back, as soon as I saw him again, I realized I have feelings for him. He appeared to be pleased to see me.

Recently he's become less shy and has asked more questions. Last week we were talking about hobbies and he invited me to play tennis with him.

The day after I invited him to my birthday party, which was a large group of friends and some colleagues.

He never turned up. I emailed him an invitation although it may have been too last minute.

A few days after the party he never mentioned the invitation or party when I saw him. So I haven't said anything to him.

This week he asked how I am and has been staring, flirting, and smiling.

From what I've read online I discovered that Chinese men will become your friend first and it takes a while to start dating.

I have a feeling maybe he never turned up because he felt too shy or didn't want to see me in a large group.

Inviting me to play tennis with him has kind of confirmed to me that he wants to spend time with me, although the fact he never acknowledged the invitation to my party has confused me greatly.

He is quite reserved so I'm not sure what to do next. One of my European friends said that maybe he has too many emotions so soon.

I don't know whether to keep being friendly and see what he does or to mention the tennis maybe. I don't want to embarrass him.

Would love to read your thoughts and suggestions.

Chinese men are still a mystery to me! I also read that Chinese men don't like to be pursued. Although I'm very confused with this situation!

This week he hasn't looked me in the eye as much and seems a little shy. I'm not sure how to get back to the friendly stage without making him more shy or embarrassed

There does appear to be a great deal of cross-cultural miscommunication here that is getting in your way.

Chinese singles use invitations to large group functions, in the beginning stages, as a way of deflecting future intimacy, i.e., to communicate that all they want is to remain friends. He invited you to a one-on-one activity, playing tennis, and you accepted—a good thing (in his mind). Unfortunately, you then immediately parried with an invitation of your own to a large group function and this is what confused him. Don’t worry, this is very fixable. When in Rome…

Just do what Chinese girls would do: start sending him text messages, plenty of them—nothing too forward or provocative in the beginning, not until he gets back onboard. “I really enjoyed that game of tennis together, I hope we can do it again soon!” “How are you today?” “I was admiring your tie this morning!” “Are those new shoes, they look great!” “You look great today!” Flower him with attention and interest: just make sure that there is nothing overtly sexual about it.

You don’t have to be “forward” in the Euro-American sense of the word but you can smile at him a lot and convey indirect interest in him by asking his colleagues and friends questions about him like what he likes to do, etc. Of course, they will relate all of this back to him. From a Western perspective, there is something very sophomoric or “high school” about this but it is the way adult Chinese singles interact with each in the beginning.

Good luck with him and let us know what happens.

Thanks for the useful comments..

The thing that is puzzling me is that when I invited him he said "I'll be there." Do you think then afterwards he realised what he had said yes to?

Also he never mentioned my birthday since I've invited him. Is there any significance to that? Do Chinese men not show feelings?

He was very receptive to me today so maybe I should initiate this tennis game that he suggested.

Thanks!

Birthdays are not routinely celebrated in China: He may not have completely understood what he was agreeing to, especially if his English language skills aren't the best.

As I wrote earlier, this is an easy fix--assuming the sudden cooling you noticed was due to this cross-cultural misunderstanding.