Dating, Sex, & Relationships

I have just learned that my nephew is planning to marry a Chinese woman he met online and has visited only once.

She is 38 years old (he is 48) and has a daughter, 18. She does not speak English and he does not speak Chinese, although both are learning the other's language. Their initial emails went through a translation service that proved to be rather inept.

My nephew, an American, has just been through a messy divorce and has been emotionally wrecked by his ex-wife, who has substance abuse and mental health issues. I think that he is very vulnerable right now, and not in good emotional shape to be making such major decisions.

There seem to be big holes in this woman's story, e.g., he does not know what her job is, she travels back and forth to Japan frequently, she never mentions her father, although my nephew has met her mother and daughter. She has also never said whether or not she was married before, or revealed anything about her daughter's father.

I think this is a relationship based on fantasy and wishful thinking. To her credit, "Jessica" has refused any financial help from my nephew, although he bought her a laptop and webcam while in China so that they could communicate directly.

They both are Christians and he currently attends a local Chinese Christian church as a way to share their faith and improve his language skills. There is no way to know if anything this woman has told him is true, or if she is just taking advantage of a kind and deeply wounded man.

Is there any way to verify any of this woman's information? I know only her name and her city. I don't want to see him hurt again. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

For starters, I think your nephew is extremely fortunate to have an uncle who cares about him as much as you do.

Getting directly to the heart of your question, without a Chinese national identification number, the only way you would be able to verify what little you know about this woman is by hiring a private investigator with operatives in her hometown and current location, if different. Under the circumstances, I think doing so would be a waste of your time and money.

Let's assume, for the sake of discussion, that you have completely confirmed the veracity of what little information your nephew has been told about this Chinese woman through the interpreter, further assuming that absolutely nothing was lost in translation. Would you then be any less concerned?

Conversely, and playing the devil's advocate for a moment, let's shift gears and now assume the very worst: You have discovered that "Jessica" is really a former KTV girl (essentially a prostitute), had her child out of wedlock, is too old to continue working in her former capacity, and is simply donning Christianity as a cloak to conceal what she was and is: A desperate woman—who is otherwise completely unmarriageable in China—with an ulterior motive to marry an older American man for a visa and money.

Such that your nephew has already traveled to China and has spent time with this woman, do you think he would be the least bit dissuaded by anything you could tell him? Probably not.

I think the best way you can be most helpful to your nephew right now is to simply alert him to all the issues you are concerned about, if you haven't already.

If this is a scam, then that means the interpreter is in on it, which also means that nothing she tells him may be the truth. Nevertheless, actions do invariably speak louder than words. Has your nephew ever picked up on any "bad vibes" or apparent contradictions, at least that you are aware of?

It's equally likely that this woman is entirely legitimate in that she knows the only way she'll ever get remarried is by marrying a foreigner. Your nephew may be trying to save himself by saving this woman, so to speak. Even if she is 100 percent sincere, this approach never works. Two sinking ships cannot help each other stay afloat and tethering only brings them down faster.

Western men who marry foreign women they barely know and cannot communicate with are, quite ironically, desperately lonely and desperate people are rarely rational. I honestly do not think that presenting him with proof of duplicity (assuming any exists) would change anything but the relationship that you have with him. If he is so lonely and distraught that he is willing to marry a woman he knows so little about and cannot freely communicate with, what you could really say or do that would make him pause and reflect?

How difficult can it be for an interpreter to translate to your nephew what Jessica does for a living, whether there is or ever was a husband and father in the picture, and why she needs to travel frequently to Japan? These omissions strike me as resulting from something other than ineptitude... but who knows? Perhaps the translator is a girlfriend with high school level English language skills.

When and if you learn more about this woman, feel free to post an update.

Thank you, Dr. Greg, for your kind and thoughtful reply.

I had basically come to the same conclusion. My nephew believes he is in love with this woman and I doubt there is anything I can say that will change his mind. I would not even have considered interfering except for the fact that his own father is preoccupied with his mother's Alzheimer's disease, and his own failing health.

While not a Christian, I do believe in the possibility of redemption. If this woman's background is what I suspect, and she does want a new life, I can only hope that she is sincere in her feelings for my nephew. I will expect the worst and hope for the best.

I would like very much to hear from anyone who knows of, or has been through, a similar situation, and is willing to share their experience here.

Thank you for providing this forum.

Hi Moushka26

I can relate to what your nephew is doing. I have done it too.

I became interested in things Chinese and started to look at Chinese/Western dating sites. I met a woman and went and visited her. I bought her a computer so she could talk to me. She also asked for money once I had returned to my country. I started to see that she expected me to keep her until we married. She wanted marriage in a few months. She also wanted me to 'be good' to her family. In the end I felt that I was going to be required to fund many requests of the family. I felt I was in a bad position. I did not know her and she saw me as a money provider. I felt sad about it but I withdrew some months before I was due to go to China to marry her. I had also noticed her anger when things did not go her way and her lack of interest in me except when money was involved.

I can see now that I went into a fantasy world. I wanted to have a wife who valued family life and was willing to work with her husband, not dominate him. Somehow I had fallen for the myth that Chinese women were more likely to be team players. I was wrong there. Chinese women are like all women, there are some keepers and some not.

Chinese women are desperate to leave China when they have a child and are near or over 40 years old. Their motivation is new opportunities. There is no guarantee that they will stay with a man once in his country. Your nephew may be lucky but he is really paying for a lucky dip. Who knows what he gets when the parcel is unwrapped.

The interpreter is usually a marriage agent who will be paid in the event that she finds a husband. The price is usually 10,000 Yuan. Your nephew is also likely to be asked to pay a bride price to her parents, say 10,000 Yuan and also pay for the wedding. The wedding guests will contribute to the cost of their place at the table.

There is a good chance that both parties are in a fantasy. One can only hope that they are suited. Even if they are suited it will not be easy with the communication difficulties and the general cultural differences.

If she is a scammer then she will be ruthless. The best he could hope for is that she moves on and does not ask him for half of his property.