Dear Dr. Greg:
I'm from Brazil, so sorry about my bad English
Well, let me start.
I met this Chinese girl on MySpace and we started talking a lot. At first, she really liked me and we became good friends. She studied and lived at a boarding school, so we used to talk once a month because she only could go home once per month. During her stay at school she always said to me "I miss you so much. God knows how much I wanted to get out of here so I could talk to you." My first question goes here.
If we were just friends, why did she say that she missed me? Because I read through your website, everything on it, and in one of your articles you said that she only would say that if we had something more serious.
After one year of talking and sending mails to each other, she finally graduated from the high school. Now she is 19. She did well on the college entrance exam and went to HUNAU (editor's note: Hunan University perhaps
), one of the best universities in China she said. When she had the time, we would talk a lot, I mean a lot. First time she returned home and finished school, I opened a QQ account. She wanted to talk using a microphone and we talked for about 10 hours. After almost one year of sending mail, I could hear her voice, and just before she logged off, I declared my love for her.
She was astonished, but asked for time to think about it. She asked me to wait for her decision but said that she was happy that I told her this and that when she was in school, she missed me all the time. Well, then we spent a lot of time talking during her vacation. Two times she went to the Internet cafe at midnight because she didn't have Internet at home. She stayed at the cafe until 5am. I finally asked her to go home because I could notice that she was sleepy.
It has been three months since I declared my love for her and she is still asking me for time. Why? She says that we are not "normal" friends by the fact the we have talked every single day and because we like each other... but that she cannot be my girlfriend now. I don't understand this. She has never been able to tell me why despite the number of times I have asked her. She just says that she wants more and more time and adds "you won't give up me, will you?" And I say okay I will wait for you.
Time passed and university was about to begin. She went on vacation to Hong Kong and we were out of contact for three days until she returned to school. When I heard from her again she said "God knows how much I missed you, and that shows how much I need you." This is why I cannot understand why she says that cannot be my girlfriend.
I would like to put a question here: how do I know if she is a little nuts? Perhaps she just wants attention and to be the center of attention? I read your article about narcissistic girls, but don't think she fits the diagnostic criteria.
She gave up her vacation to take care of her sick grandmother for two weeks, going everyday to the hospital to help her. When that tragedy happened in Haiti, she sent money to the Red Cross. However, every time I talk to her she says "I went shopping" and every time I ask her what her plans are for tomorrow she says "I will go shopping." Man, I am confused about whether she is really selfish and just wants to spend the rest of life shopping or if she is really goodhearted.
Now that she has returned to the university, things have really changed or at least seem different than before. For example, she changed the password to her online photo album and didn't send me the password. In the past I had this code but she changed it. I have asked her for it thousands of times but each time she ignores the request.
We are talking less now because she goes home every week and we talk sometimes when I call her cellphone. The weirdest thing is that sometimes we go a whole week without talking and she doesn't answer the phone when I know she is free. Many, many times she goes online but doesn't talk to me but is online for a long time. However, the next time I log on I will always see a message that she left offline saying that really misses me badly.
But how? Why didn't we talk? She never explains why. She'll ask me to call her but doesn't answer the phone. Last week we didn't talk at all. She returned home and didn't talk to me explaining that she couldn't go home because had some meeting, but if she couldn't go home how was she online? The only place where she uses a computer now is at home.
The other question I have (in regard to the chapter on guanxi and mianzi) is how do I know if she is sincere? I am afraid that she just wants me to praise her with beautiful words (especially after I read the section on "Do you think I'm pretty"). I think she wants me to tell her how beautiful, intelligent and so on, she is but, boy, she is really beautiful. I have showed her photos to more than 30 guys and 100% said she is really beautiful.
We have discussed the possibility of getting married but she said that I first should build my career, get a good job and good salary and then get married to her. She said she will wait for me no matter how long it takes. I said I want to go to China and live with her forever but she just discourages me all the time. "China is hard to find job," "competition is very hard," "get a job in other country first, get good skills then come to China because companies here want people with great skills." Well she definitely doesn't want me to live in China now. If it were just up to me, I would be there forever, give up everything in Brazil to be with her. I have tentative plans to visit her in February, but have many questions in mind. I will first explain a little bit about her.
She is very rich, not just rich, but very rich. Her dad is a government official in Changsha city and her mother also. They live in a government compound and have five apartments in the city and invest in the stock market and rent out those apartments. She is used to shopping with her mother and spending about 6000 yuan per week. I mean, WTF?
She is talented, intelligent, goodhearted, loves to cook for her family and parents, likes to clean the house, is patient, easy going, knows when she is wrong, can ask for forgiveness, has good English skills, and a strong leadership spirit. In school she was the captain of the cheerleaders and the class president. At her university, she is a class monitor and also the captain of the cheerleaders again. That's what I like most like about her, this great leadership spirit. But I get confused many times over her behavior.
She had a quarrel with her mom and then left the house and went to stay at a friend's house. After three days, she returned home but didn't breathe a word about what happened although I did ask her.
This Sunday I found written in her profile "All the desire I had for you is gone. What I wanted to say to you earlier is that I don't feel anything for you anymore. I will now move on and command myself to not miss you anymore, although it is really hard for me. But I will act as if we had never met before. I don't want someone who doesn't want to be here with me."
Man, when I read this I was shocked and surprised. The first thing I did was call her but she didn't answer. What I thought was everything was now over. I lost one of the most amazing girls I ever met. I left her an offline message asking if she wrote that to me and she said "Are you kidding? You are so funny. I wrote that because people in my QQ don't know English and I simply wrote that to express my feelings."
I mean isn't she contradicting herself by explaining that this wasn't intended for me but was just an expression of her feelings? "It's because of Chinese Singles Day" and I was like well okay. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I wrote that for nothing." I mean who the hell would wrote something like that for "nothing" for God sake? "Sorry if that made you upset," she said. "Miss you badly!" How? I call but she doesn't answer, so how much can she really miss me?
Well I am a 19 year-old guy not too ashamed to say that this is my first relationship. Also I have never had sex and, after discussing it with her, I learned that she wants to wait until after marriage. She said "my mom loves you," "my mom really likes you and is preparing for you to come," "my family really wants to know you," "my mom likes your type." Well, she had never mentioned her dad and what he thinks about us, just said he is very strict about boys. She invited me to stay at her house in February but after one month she just said well, soldiers of the compound said you can't stay here but I can show you around. She wants to introduce me to her whole family.
Well, I am hoping that you can offer some insight into this whole affair. Anything you write will be appreciated. I have many doubts about whether this trip will be worth the money and am afraid that after I get there she will knock me on my ass.
. I would like to know if you think this is worth pursuing as well as any other thoughts you may have. Thanks for your time in reading this very long post.