Dating, Sex, & Relationships

Dr Greg,

The questions I have found here regarding relationships currently seem to center around wanting somewhat temporary "western style" arrangements. I have a more conservative view of relationships and am really more interested in old-fashioned-monogamous-commitment-forever type marriage or truly just friends (without "benefits" other than friendship).

I'm thinking of spending a couple of years working in China (probably Beijing or Shanghai). I just turned 50, am financially stable, active, in pretty good shape (something like 15% body fat last time I measured), and have almost all my hair (though there is now some grey at the temples). I am divorced (a few years back).

I don't find it particularly hard to meet women in the US; but have not yet found someone that I wish to marry… and I confess that my standards of sexual behavior and many US women's standards are definitely different.

I'm open to the possibility of a mixed-culture marriage, though I recognize there are many challenges. I know a few Asian women socially and at work: some from US, some from China (very different life views) and have recently started to chat online with some ladies… a rather interesting experience.

So I have a few questions:

1) Age. There is a definitely younger set of women in Asia that are interested in me. In the States I seem to connect most often with 30-somethings (occasionally late 20s since I dance and hence meet a lot of people). In Asia it seems to shift into 20s and some 30s. This is somewhat concerning, but I'm not sure if it's just something to get used to. My bias says that anyone younger than 26 is unlikely to know who they are yet. So my concerns center around, "Do they really know what they want? Is it likely to change in 10 years?" Since, if I get involved with someone, there is a reasonable chance of marriage (which I prefer to be permanent), the relationship longevity questions concern me most. How should I be thinking about this??

2) How do I avoid the "gold digger" or "status seeker?” I'd rather be loved for who I am (which does include but is not limited to my way of living, where I'm from, etc.). In the US I have a pretty good sense of where someone's coming from early on. My concern is that I might not have the same ability to "read intent" in Asia.

3) How do I avoid being misleading? Sometimes I'd really like to just "get coffee" and chat… that's all. It seems harder to do that with Asian women. How do I avoid sending out the wrong message?

4) How would I find a few great local contacts to help me sort through the various social mores and such relationship issues in real time? It would be great to have a local person available who could provide objective and experienced advice in these and other matters.

Thanks for any pointers,

SomewhatPerplexed

For starters, all of your questions are answered directly or indirectly in our eight-chapter section on Dating, Sex, and Relationships. You should carefully read through all that material when you have the time. In the interim, I’ll summarize the main points that answer your questions here.

From a Chinese traditional perspective, the husband should be two to four years older than his wife. To a large degree, what you are experiencing now on the Internet is the result of a sample bias: Younger women are simply more comfortable using computer technology to socialize and their English language skills are considerably better than those of Chinese women in their forties.

Having just written that, it is also true that Asian women are much more practical in their approach to dating and marriage than are their Western counterparts. Huge age differences (25+ years) will be tolerated and even overlooked in exchange for financial security and a better quality of life for the young woman and her family. Even a 26-year-old girl knows it is better to go to sleep on a full stomach than on an empty one. As a rule, it’s not that Asian women necessarily prefer marrying Western men who are old enough to be their fathers (although many do believe that older men are less likely to cheat on them and a few Chinese girls speak of seeking “double-love,” i.e., the love of a husband and a father). It’s just that age and physical appearance are not all that important when you went through four years of college subsisting on soup, rice, and vegetables because you couldn’t afford meat or fish.

How do you completely eliminate the motivating factor of basic need fulfillment in dating and marriage in China (and other parts of Asia such as Thailand, Vietnam, and the Philippines)? Basically you don’t… not unless you find a woman who comes from a wealthy family (and I guarantee she won’t be 25 to 30 years younger than you: she’ll be 35- to 45-years-old and divorced with a child in middle school).

Western men with significant assets back home, who are financially stable (such as yourself), have been known to deny their financial status until such time that they have good reason to trust the girl in question. From a Western perspective, beginning a relationship on a faulty foundation of a lie is to doom that relationship to a lifetime of instability. Asians, however, are a lot more practical about such matters and will immediately understand and appreciate the need and benefit of such an initially “clever” approach. Telling a girl who thought you had accumulated very little wealth that, in fact, you are financially comfortable will not be a deal-breaker in China (or probably anywhere else in the world) for most women. They will both understand why you initially employed such a tactic and, at the same time, will revel in their good fortune.

Regarding your concerns about being misleading, if you end up in a first-tier city like Shanghai or Beijing and frequent bars and dance clubs, you are going to meet loads of women who are highly Westernized and looking for friendships (with and without benefits)… although their moral standards regarding pre- and extramarital sex won’t be any different than their “Cougar Town” and “Sex in the City” American counterparts. However, if you ask a 28-year-old woman from a second- and third-tier city out for a cup of coffee, she will most likely not understand that all you are interested in is enjoying her company for that time only without any real interest in a future relationship. Unless the girl is highly Westernized, you should avoid that scenario.

Once you are settled in, you will make the acquaintance of many Chinese male coworkers who will be more than willing to help you navigate and negotiate the numerous cultural differences you will encounter in dating and romance (in exchange for being able to practice their English language skills or for establishing business contacts in the United States).

Best of luck.