Dating, Sex, & Relationships

This is very hard to explain in such a short space but my girlfriend is driving me crazy. She is Chinese, she’s 28 and I’m 43, and we have been living together for about a year. She tells me that I was her first boyfriend, which I believe. I also believe that she loves me but I hate the way she deals with me sometimes. No matter what I do, she seems to complain about it.

For example, I often wake up very early in the morning and will go in the other room to watch a DVD because I don’t want to disturb her. All of a sudden, she will wake up and start yelling “What are you doing? It is too earlier, come back to bed!” Then we have the same fight every morning about how I have had enough sleep and don’t want to go back to bed. She never accepts it. She just tells me over and over again about how I am not being “normal” and that what I am doing is “not healthily.”

Every morning when I am on the computer, she comes into the room and turns off the lights. Every morning I tell her that I need the lights and have to ask her to turn them back on.

Nothing ever seems to get resolved. We just have the same arguments over and over again. I’m not sure what to do. Most of the time we seem to get along just fine, but several times a week I find myself having the same argument. I do love her but I also don’t want to live the rest of my life this way. Is there some special type of way to get her to stop all the complaining or should I just end the relationship?

Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Bill

Dear Bill,

What I suspect is that there are several things going on here all at once. For starters, you are her first boyfriend which means she had no prior experience with either relating to or living with a man prior to meeting you, especially a foreign man. From an emotional or psychosocial developmental perspective, Chinese girls in their 20s are like younger Western girls in their mid- to late-teens. Part of what you are describing can be attributed to immaturity.

She is 28-years old now and you’ve been living together for a year. That means she was 27 when you two first met. It also means she was “saving herself” for the “right” man and she “chose” you. The problem with that scenario (and it is a very common one in China between Chinese girls and Western men) is that she has a predefined idea in her head about what her relationship (read marriage) should look like and appears to have zero tolerance whenever you deviate from the mental script she strictly adheres to about what a “normal” man and relationship are or should be. Healthy and normal men wake up between x and y am: unhealthy and abnormal men wake up before x am and after y am. I guarantee that if you were making a habit of sleeping “late” (however she defines that), she’d be complaining about that too.

Aside from immaturity, this posture is also indicative of a narcissistic personality disorder: “In order for me to feel normal, you have to do this, that and the other thing. If you don’t do what I want, then I feel damaged and you are hurting me—so I will hurt you back.” Whether this posture is the result of personality traits (that is, a characterological preference that is not intractably ingrained) or a full-blown disorder is impossible for me to say on the basis of your limited description.

One way you can determine this for yourself is simply to talk to her. Pick a time when you are not angry or annoyed with her, when things are relatively good between you, and have a serious talk with her using the most matter-of-fact tone you can summon (without strong feelings either way). Tell her that her relentlessness is pushing you away from her and that you feel unloved and uncared about when she persists in repeatedly complaining about the same things. She will at first defend herself by “explaining” that she is doing this only because she loves you and wants you to have a happy and healthy life, and that you don’t understand her because you are not Chinese. Respond that you do understand that her motivation is sound but that she needs to assume more of a “live-and-let-live” position with you because when she persists in complaining about the same things it feels as if she is simply refusing to acknowledge and accept you for who you are as an individual.

Assuming she is not a pathological narcissist, you will still have to repeat this discussion several times before she begins to internalize it—specifically calling her attention to how she is pushing you away when she engages in these “corrective” behaviors and admonishments. However, if she does suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder, then she won’t be able to change. Instead, she will become enraged that you don’t understand or love her and all she will be able to attend to is that you are incapable of appreciating her special love for you.

If the latter scenario is the case, your only choice then is to end the relationship or spend the rest of your time together trying to make her feel whole or less damaged by doing whatever you can to please her. I can’t imagine that would be a very satisfying life, but many men (especially those who had domineering or controlling mothers) do go that route until a fatal heart attack ends their misery at a relatively young age.

Best of luck to you.

I’d like to follow up on this if you don’t mind.

My Chinese girlfriend also has all of these traits that you say could be a narcissistic personality disorder. No matter what I do for her it doesn’t ever seem to be enough. She gets very moody and will sulk and then she will switch to being very aggressive and verbally abusive.

Is there any cure for this? Can medication help with the mood swings?

Thank you for your time and a fantastic website.

Jim

Hi Jim,

It’s difficult for me to say if psychotropic medication could be helpful without knowing more information.

Irritable mood and aggressive behavior can be indicative of what mental health professionals call “hypomania.” If your girlfriend is suffering from a chronic mild to moderate depression, known as dysthymia, that alternates with specific and limited periods of expansive, irritable and aggressive mood, she could be suffering from what is referred to as cyclothymia (basically “cycling” moods): a condition that is less severe than bipolar disorder (i.e., manic depressive disorder).

If in fact she is suffering from a diagnosable mood disorder, then, yes, medication could be indicated. Typically anti-manic medications will be prescribed and sometimes an antidepressant will also be added.

However, if what you are observing is primarily characterological, i.e., a narcissistic personality disorder that does not underlie a clinical syndrome, such as dysthymia or cyclothymia, then, no, medication would not be helpful.

Narcissistic personality disorder can be treated with long-term intensive psychotherapy but the problem here is that there are very few Chinese psychologists or psychiatrists who have the proper training to treat personality disorders effectively.

Hi Bill,

OMG! I just happend to come across this site and cannot believe what i am reading, I am having the same problem and I need to make a serious decision. I work with a Kunming girl in Los Angeles, she introduced me to her cousin in Kunming. I am 50 she is 31. We start by email last july, then to phone, then to video cam and have been very attached ever since. Went to kunming end of September, first night at Mommy and Daddy house gave her engagement ring, her parents, brother and sister gave us permission to be together. Went with her and her parents for one week to Dali and Lijang.

On way back in car, she drive, her daddy in back seat with mommy, she and her daddy start yelling at each other. I mean really yelling top of their lungs for 30 minutes, i was very uncomfortable. Later found out that argument over daddy wanting to have engagement party next day with all relatives, and she wanted to stay in Dali. So it blew over but i always wondered if she yell at daddy like that will she yell at me too? Oh, and before trip I saw her on her cam at her work (she has a travel business) she was in an argument on the phone with someone and was very animated, arms flailing, I could tell she was extremely angry. Afterwards I ask her what happen she dismissed it as a badly client. When we were together in Kunming she was great, affectionate, caring , calm, no problems whatsoever with me. We cried and cried when i left. Anyway, to shorten, she did end up yelling at me, she sulks first then i see it coming and she will go on and on for a whole hour just ripping me apart and will not listen to anything i say. Then she demanded i send her money, when i did not to test her she went berserk. 2 days before her cycle she becomes absolutely impossible. Also, she talks to herself under her breath in an angry way.

When she was young , maybe 3 or 4 she was sent by mommy and daddy, who wanted to finish college, to her grandma in Sechuan and was abused there by another relative, I think she was bullied. So now she has abandonment and lack of self esteem issues although in public she carries herself very well. She is 5'4" and 90 pounds, I saw signs during my trip to Kunming of binge and purge although i dismissed them at the time. Looking back, at meals she will either eat nothing and push the food on everyone else, or she will eat like a horse. She always orders too much food even daddy got mad at her for that. Her daddy has abandonment issues too. He is youngest and has five sisters, his daddy rich but killed in revolution when he was 8 and raised by sisters. So quarreling in loud voices normal for her and daddy but then all of a sudden they will not even talk and have to communicate by letter.

The night she yelled at me for an hour daddy just got back from month away and he heard her yelling at me, next day he had stroke in hospital for 3 weeks. She has asked me for money, $50,000 and when i said could not send she get mad, now she wants $1500 monthly and is mad that she cannot stay home if i send and that she has to continue to work. Every morning she wakes up she cleans her room obsessively, and mops floor on hand and knees, which i thought was a good thing but maybe these actions mean something. Even though she wants money now when i went to Kunming i offered her $1000 to pay for traveling while there she refused and paid for everything for almost whole time there.

I recently sent her a $1100.00 watch and she opened it and said that it was nice and quickly put it in a drawer. I had to ask her to put it on for me days later. I am afraid that she does have Narcissistic personality disorder or worse, and it is a shame because when she is good, she is a very warm loving person, so tender, so nice, so caring. But i see less of that girl now and more of the angry girl. I said in the beginning that in the car i wondered if she would yell at me like she yells at daddy, and of course, I knew it would become so, if she yells at her daddy she will most definitely yell at me someday. And now i wonder, will she yell at me and act like this once we live together? I am afraid the answer will be yes. And i will die young like you say. But she is desperately in love with me, i am her first love, I do not think I can break her heart, what to do? Thanks Ron

Leave her right now: she’s crazy. It will not be hard to find a new girl with her head on the right way.

Hi Ron, this is the kind of decision that only you can make, but you have a ton of warning signs right in front of you. The thing about the watch, in China it is usually a bad idea for a gift. That aside, I would run like hell while I could. You have to make the call, but put your sympathy for her away and think about what being married to this person will do to you. Too bad you will lose the ring, but it could and most likely will get a lot worse. I am saying this would be true of anyone who behaved like this, whether they are Chinese or not. Good luck to you. You might need it. Danny

Danny wrote:Hi Ron, this is the kind of decision that only you can make, but you have a ton of warning signs right in front of you. The thing about the watch, in China it is usually a bad idea for a gift. That aside, I would run like hell while I could. You have to make the call, but put your sympathy for her away and think about what being married to this person will do to you. Too bad you will lose the ring, but it could and most likely will get a lot worse. I am saying this would be true of anyone who behaved like this, whether they are Chinese or not. Good luck to you. You might need it. Danny

Hi Danny,

Thanks for the reply, I hear your words very clearly and will contemplate them. I am not concerned about the ring value, just with her well being, but i am listening to you. But just so I understand, can you tell me why the gift of a watch not a good idea for Chinese people.? I am obviously not Chinese and no matter what happens I would like to know the things i did wrong as well as the good things I did or things i did right. I assume you are Chinese, am I right? But i do agree with you, it seems her issues are not inherently Chinese, but more inherently human, so sad…. And it is funny, her family here, her Aunt (daddy’s sister) and other cousins have been telling me the same, that they are now embarrassed they introduced me in the first place, that i should let it go. And they are her Chinese relatives, (obviously….).

I guess it will come down to this: this girl has had a rough life, she is different from her older brother and sister who were raised by mommy and daddy, i know because i met them, so she is a lovely dove with a broken wing, and the question is, do i think i can be the one to fix her broken wing, such a special and loving soul she is, (i know she is), but she is broken., but i realize that if i choose to be the “fixer” the “fixer”seldom succeeds and is usually taken down in the end, as broken wings from childhood problems is seldom fixed with good intentions… This is the question for Dr. Greg, i hope, Dr. Greg, you read this and respond. Anyway, thanks Danny.

And to Dr. Greg, sorry i called you Bill, got confused reading the threads…. Would like to hear form you on this if you have the time. Much appreciated.

Ron

Ron,

It’s not a problem at all that you called me Bill. I’ve been called a lot worse over the years. Smile.

I can’t really say that I have a definitive professional opinion about this girl on the basis of the limited information you have provided. Infantile and demanding behavior, low frustration tolerance, and a bad temper are not necessarily indicative of a narcissistic personality disorder. In fact, because you believe she has the capacity to be genuinely caring, warm, and loving, at worst, she may have narcissistic features but I doubt she has a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. There is obviously early developmental arrest, but I suspect she is healthier than the typical pathological narcissist.

I suspect she is a lower-level borderline: a young woman with chronic feelings of emptiness (sometimes experienced or reported as chronic boredom) whose anger characterizes her day-to-day existence, and who fluctuates between fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment. That is, when she feels “too close,” she needs to produce a crisis in order to create emotional distance and, then, when she feels too distant, she engages in conciliatory and endearing behaviors to pull the object back in. If I’m right, then life with her will be like riding on an emotional roller coaster for as long as you are with her.

I would think at your age you’d be interested in an emotionally stable and secure relationship and it doesn’t appear, on the basis of what you’ve written thus far, that you will be able to have that with her.

PS. A clock (or any time piece by association) is considered an inappropriate gift in China because the sound for the characters for clock are similar to those that mean death or to attend a funeral. This is also the reason that the number four (4) is considered to be unlucky (because the sounds for the words four and for death are separated by just one tone). Don’t feel bad–they know that this is not something a foreigner would be aware of and, aside from that, and especially if my suspicions are correct, you would have received the same reaction regardless of what you had bought for her.

Yep dude, I have the same problem here but after i saw your problem I felt happy... no offense buddy, but at least i'm not alone in this.

My gf just loves to blame me and she looks too much into stupid little details, such as when i walk without holding her hand she gets angry for that lol!! Well i still can't understand what she really needs and she tries my patience. BTW, i found out a way to stop her nagging and you should try it: "threats".

But threats in a good way such as "I can't make you happy so i better leave you alone."

That will hold the nagging for a couple of days but that's better than nothing. Good luck man.