Dating, Sex, & Relationships

Dr. Greg,

First I would like to thank you so very much for providing me with the opportunity to read your Guide. I have read most of the chapters, sans a few parts I was a bit sensitive to. Those chapters have provided me with a bit more insight into the mindset of the Chinese woman, and with these new tools I find myself being able to communicate better with my gorgeous Chinese partner.

The reason I have made this thread is because I, 23, am in a new relationship with a Chinese woman, 22. I live in the United States and she lives in China. We met on web cam and have been chatting on web cam and Instant Messenger (IM) since our first encounter. We have only known each other for a week but we both asked for exclusivity to each other, becoming girlfriend and boyfriend. But I fear that perhaps we are moving too fast. I do not want to wreck a potentially beautiful relationship because I am impatient.

We spend a few hours of the day, usually in the morning or evening, chatting with each other. Recently we have been getting very intimate with one another. The intimacy is instigated by either of us and is never coerced. She was the first to do so, but we regularly confess our affection for each other. She genuinely seems to enjoy my chat and cam presence, and I hers. We also discuss, in detail, our intimate plans with each other for when I am with her in China this summer. I adore this woman more than any other I have courted. She is the sweetest, most gentle, caring, loving, devoted, compassionate, and genuine lover I have ever know.

But, as I mentioned, I am afraid we may be moving too fast. She uses very explicit phrasing like "I love you" and "I miss you" and others in our chats, both intimate and normal. Judging from the Guide it seems she may have designated me as her future husband. This fact does not faze me. Also, she lives in a city and lives with her parents. If I meet her parents when I visit am I really essentially asking for their daughter's hand in marriage?

Dr. Greg I would like to know if I am moving at an appropriate pace with this woman. We have discussed marriage but I am not sure when she wants to be wed. I plan to maintain this long-distance relationship for as long as I can bear, so the thought of marriage is not too far-fetched.

To clarify a few of my concerns I am simply going to talk to her. We are talking tomorrow. I will ask her what she would like in a husband, when she would like to be wed, and if our relationship is still a secret from her family.

What do you think, Dr. Greg? Does she consider herself my future bride? If I am not visiting until the summer, months away, are we really moving too fast? Are my fears unfounded, whereas I suspect they are.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read!

Sincerely,

Woodland Owl

Perhaps I am losing my sense of romantic idealism with age but, yes, I do think discussing marriage plans after one week of online contact may be rushing things just a tad.

You two have obviously established immediate rapport and the rather sudden and intense feelings you have reported appear to be mutual. That’s the good news.

You’ll go visit her and her family over the summer and you can take it from there. Yes, flying halfway around the world to meet the family of a Chinese girl you would have been chatting with for about six months at that time would be viewed by that family as a very serious relationship (and I think, under those circumstances, that would be true across cultures).

Based on what you’ve written, my sense is that you are both moving at the same synchronized speed of light so I don’t think you risk “ruining” anything in that you two seem to be on the same wavelength, so to speak. Potential disappointment and heartbreak are another matter however, and the risk you both run by moving so quickly.

If you can, try to hold off on making any absolute promises (or sending any money) until after you two have had a chance to spend some time together in person. You can talk and write about what you would hope or like to see happen in the future but you shouldn’t commit to any specific course of action (such as marriage, relocation plans, name of firstborn child, etc.) until you have had a few more months to learn about each other and then spend some real (as opposed to virtual) time together.

Feel free to keep us updated and best of luck with your new online girlfriend.

Thanks for your sincere reply, Dr. Greg. I really appreciate it.

You mentioned waiting to send money until I meet her in person. Is it Chinese custom to send a distant girlfriend money? I wasn't aware.

Also, I don't consider her my "online girlfriend." As far as I am concerned she is my girlfriend, period. Saying "online" seems a bit passively condescending... I'm sure I'm just being a pansy.

Thanks again! I will keep you posted on any big developments.