Dating, Sex, & Relationships

Hi,

I'm Indian and my boyfriend is Chinese. We have been together for 5 years now. We both told our parents 4 years ago about us. At the time, we got more resistance from my parents. Though as time went on, my parents eventually turned around.

However, recently my boyfriend's mum has starting making threats:

Leave her or I will disown you (to this he didn't react much and stayed with me)

Leave her or I will divorce your dad (this hit him hard causing him to break up with me and run away to China for a few weeks but he is now back)

He seems very distressed and I have met him a couple of times. He doesn't seem to know what to do and is torn between his parents and me. He thinks his mum doesn't care about him and that she is fully into herself.

She would do whatever she says and she only cares about her happiness. He sees very little hope for us in the future (a hope that I am still clinging onto). He thinks breaking up with me is a solution and is even now thinking of going back to China for good. But that doesn't solve anything. He is also concerned about his mum's health (though she is perfectly fine now... and aren't we all worried about parents).

It shouldn't cause him to leave me. I realize his head is full on about his parents, but I want to go over and shake him really hard to wake him up and fight for me. I fought for him 4 years ago and would expect him to fight back for me. But he seems very distraught and weakened.

What can I do to give him strength again? I know he loves me and I want him back. Would do anything to get him back. But I don't know what to suggest about his problem with his mum. His mum isn't listening to him and doesn't seem to care (according to him). I would think all parents would want what is best for their son. And I know she is just trying to protect him. But I don't know how to give him strength.


Elizah

I wish there was some way I could provide you with an answer you would like to read, but I cannot.

You didn’t mention your respective ages or where you two had been living together before he ran back to his mother. Knowing this information would have been helpful. I am going to assume that you are both at least in your late 20s.

With very few exceptions, it is generally accepted in China that if the man’s mother does not approve of the woman, the relationship has no chance. During my seven years in China, I worked with several Chinese women who were divorced solely because they simply could not get along with their mother-in-laws.

Chinese children, especially the sons, are raised to be entirely beholding to their parents. In the absence of any significant national Social Security or retirement program, the son is the parents’ only real hope at having a reasonably comfortable old age. Aside from that, if your boyfriend is an only child or the only male child, then the onus is on him to keep the family name alive.

I’m sure you appreciate that the Chinese are extremely racist and ethnocentric. If you were a blond-haired, blue-eyed Westerner, you might have a shot at the mother’s approval but an Indian, especially one with dark skin, doesn’t have a chance at becoming the mother of her grandson—not unless your family were extremely wealthy or from a high caste with celebrity status.

Your boyfriend is obviously unable to tolerate the thought of losing his mother’s approval. Short of figuring out some miraculous way of turning his mother around, the relationship is over.

Apologies for not mentioning it. We are both mid 20s. Living in UK. Both well educated and good jobs. We have both lived in the country for 6-7 years now.

I know how it is to be everything your parents wants. Being Indian is very similar. Marrying/going out with someone who is from a different country doesn't help in any way. Especially if he is Chinese. But 4 years now, my parents are turning around.

My boyfriend is the only child. Am probably the same as him in regards to wealth.

In Indian culture, we take care of the parents too. I understand the need for that. Indian parents can be very racist too. I know it's hard, but the fight for right vs. wrong is required. And for that you need strength.

How can I just give up when he didn't give up on me four years ago? There must be something I can do...

Hi Elizah,

Your boyfriend must be able and willing to say to his mother (in essence): Stop your nonsense. I love this girl and I am going to marry her. Better be nice to her before the first grandchild comes along or you will live to regret it. Stop making stupid threats. If you divorce your husband, you will spend the rest of your life alone and miserable. If you want to be stupid, selfish, and self-destructive, then I guess I can't stop you--but I am going to marry this girl with or without your approval.

If he is not willing or able to take this kind of a stand against his mother (and obviously he is not, as would be the case for most Chinese men), the only thing you can do is make a pilgrimage of sorts back to his parents' home for the purpose of making an emotional appeal to the mother in the name of your mutual happiness.

Unfortunately, as I'm sure your boyfriend has correctly surmised, his mother doesn't seem to care about his happiness (or yours). Only her narcissistic needs matter.

Consequently, this all rests with your boyfriend. If he is not willing to lose his mother's love and approval (and it would only be for a relatively short period of time I am guessing), then there is nothing you can do.

If this does fall apart on you, don't despair. Take what was good from the relationship and use that to inform and guide your next choice in a future husband: one who will be no less suitable and not nearly as difficult to make a life with.

Let us know what happens.