Dating, Sex, & Relationships

Hi Dr Greg,

My girlfriend is the best thing I have by my side but recently I am trying to understand if I am getting confused by her cultural ways or if things are turning funny.

We moved in together and we get on really well but recently I started getting the feeling that she may have had a one night stand because of some photos that I feel may have upset her. Although the said pictures are very old and involve me with another girl that was from some time ago, I admit I was foolish enough to forget to delete them. I came back from work to discover that she was gone and had left a note to show how upset she was. Eventually I managed to catch up to her and explained the whole thing but I could still feel she was distraught by the whole thing. Anyway, getting to my point, I discovered that she had been searching to reserve a hostel room and as soon as I found this out, and also finding out that no one has been using her computer for this, I confronted her about it and she denied the whole matter even though I saw it as clear as day.

Now even though we argue about this and the fact she doesn't get any strange phone calls when I am around with her it does nag me now and again and she does show me that she cares, e.g., cooks food, prepares drinks and washes clothes... but I read about this thing is quite common for a girl to have a boyfriend but also use QQ, etc., to have one night stands.

I have not had a gut feeling about this yet and I am still trying to figure out a suspicious mark on her neck which I am in denial about... but I am trying to solve if this was over the pictures she saw...made a mistake... and does not want to admit it because it might cause loss of face.

What gets me frustrated is that I want to talk the reasons through about this matter but it seems to do more harm than good and even the parents have me second guessing myself. Would a Chinese girl admit to something like this to their partner if they made a mistake or would there be something else she might say to in an indirect way to make things seem okay?

I apologise if this seems like a lot of babble but thanks for reading.

Some of what you wrote was difficult for me to discern. For example, I am confused by the part about how you discovered she had been searching for another room to move into but that no one had used her computer for this purpose… but I think I have the gist of it. Your main point is that you strongly suspect that she had an affair in response to her belief that you were cheating on her and now she refuses to discuss it with you either way.

If, in fact, she had a one-night-stand to punish you, she acted precipitously, childishly, and vindictively. I think most mature women, upon discovering photos of their boyfriend with another woman, would at least confront the boyfriend with the opportunity to explain himself. I’m assuming here, of course, that the photos were not sexually explicit because, if they were, those images would be highly provocative even if she hadn’t assumed they were current.

If she had an affair and believes that telling you the truth would end the relationship, which apparently is not something she wants, then, no, she most likely would not tell you. However, this is informed far more by human behavior in general than it is by Chinese culture specifically.

A hickey (the red mark on her neck) is hard to mistake for anything other than what it is. Whether she spent one night necking with some guy or actually slept with him is no more significant here than the fact that you no longer trust her—particularly in response to the fact that she is refusing to talk about the incident either way. You seem to be attempting to discount your understandable suspicions and feelings as some questionable byproduct of a cross-cultural breakdown even though you would be feeling the same way if the girl were of the same nationality. It’s not easy living with someone you don’t trust and can’t communicate with, even if the latter is partially accounted for by a cultural and language divide.

If your girlfriend is quick to react irrationally and vindictively, then this is something you are going to have to continuously live and deal with even if the two of you are able to get past this most recent episode. It is not possible to be happily coupled with a partner you don’t trust.

Please feel free to follow-up with additional information and questions.