Dating, Sex, & Relationships

I have sort of an unusual problem.

My girlfriend, who is 49, and I, 47, have been dating for 2 years. Last November, I decided I wanted to propose to her, so I went shopping for rings. One day at her house I asked her of her ring size, and she told me. Well, we had a fight about something the next week, so I decided to wait until I cooled off before going back to ring-shopping. In December, while I was looking again, my girlfriend accused me of getting her hopes up too high by indicating that I wanted to get her a ring by asking her ring size. We fought about this too, pretty badly, and she went into a depression and I became angry. My problem was: I wanted to propose at my time so it would be perfect for her; but she was weird--almost looking to destroy my ideas: like it didn't matter at all what I wanted.

OK, so we made up, and we forgave each other for whatever happened. Then, I told her that I was going to wait for a time to surprise her, but not for a while, at least a few months. OK, this past week, we went on a trip together. On the way back, she says to me that she is very disappointed that she didn't get a ring while on our trip and that this is my fault for putting the idea in her head in the first place. We fight again, get angry, apologize, and forgive. But now, a few days later, she says she doesn't even know if she wants to see me anymore. I'm having a REAL problem with this. She knows I wanted and want to propose to her, but she acts like a jilted lover, like I said I never will. OK, I said that in anger during our fight, but I took it back, and we went on. I really want to marry her, but I also don't like the way she's acting: like all she cares about is getting engaged and not at all that I should do it at the right time for me.

My question is: Am I being totally selfish here and not giving what she should be getting, or am I right in wanting this proposal to be on my schedule, etc? I'd really appreciate an answer, because if I'm in the wrong, I'd like to make it up to her; but if I'm thinking screwy and she's a nut, then I don't want to deal with this the rest of my life. Any ideas?

Dear Tommy,

You mention that your girlfriend is 49-years old and two years your senior. You don’t indicate whether she is divorced or has never been married but, either way—and especially if the latter is true—she is going to be thoroughly desperate to get married. While the two-year discrepancy in age is just within societal tolerance for this type of May-September romance among more Westernized and urban Chinese, it will certainly be grist for the gossip mill among the more traditional Chinese, especially those in and from second- and third-tier cities. At any rate, I’m sure this is another social pressure your girlfriend must be reacting to even if she is not entirely conscious of it. Finally, a two-year courtship in China is virtually unheard of unless the couple is still in their early twenties and waiting to finish their education before getting married.

While it is tempting to delve into the specifics of this one particular incident, i.e., the struggle over when you should be presenting this engagement ring, I am going to guess that this is not the first argument you two have had over the past two years. Thus, my question to you is: Are the dynamics and reactions you have just described typical of how your girlfriend generally handles frustration and disappointment? If so, then this is most likely something you will have deal with for the rest of your life. If not, and you really love her, you should probably just give her the ring now to assuage her fears.

Restated, if you think her current irrational reaction is primarily an expression of the real pressure she feels to be married at her age and, related, that she is afraid that your delay in presenting the ring may be indicative of second thoughts at such a late stage in the relationship, then that is one thing. If, on the other hand, this reaction is not so much fear-based as it is a typical expression of how she handles frustration and disappointment, then that is an entirely different matter altogether because, in reality, her infantile response has very little to do with the symbolism of the engagement itself.

If she is simply acting controlling and childish because you are not doing what she wants, when she wants it, and this accurately characterizes how she typically reacts when thwarted, then the specific circumstances surrounding this latest episode are nothing more than a red herring.

I think this is a question that only you can answer for yourself.

I hope this has helped. Feel free to follow-up if you care to.

Thanks, Dr. Greg. Your answer is about how I've come to my own conclusions. I understand that she is anxious about this engagement ("give me a ring already" seems to be her thought process), but I agree with you that I am feeling that this is indicative of her personality, not the situation only. The only question is: Can I do this? Do I want to? I really do love her, but... There's that but... And, the usual things we guys say: when she's not acting crazy, she's the most loving, cheerful person in the world. Thanks for your help.

Oh, I didn't mention that we have both been divorced: me about 8 years, her over 20, and we both have grown children, her a 27-year old, me a 21-year-old and 18-year-old. Many other things I could say, but the bottom line is that she either can't handle stress well, enjoys head games, or both.

That's what I was picking up from you Tommy, that you feel her reaction is indicative of her personality and is not something that is just specific to this situation. If that's true, and you seem to believe that it is (and I'm sure you are entirely correct), then, obviously, this is something you will be living with for the rest of your time together. I'm sure this is another reason why you have postponed buying the ring: deep down inside, you are understandably ambivalent.

Of course, only you can decide how to proceed from here. Personally, I would rather be alone that live in that type of relationship but it's your life and you've been together for two years--and no one can tell you what to do or blame you either way. If you end the relationship now, you will go through something of a mourning process and it will feel like another divorce. So you'll have to weigh that with what life will be like for you if you decide to marry her. Of course, the grieving process won't last more than a few months and, having gained a lot more experience with and insight into the psyches of Chinese women, there is a chance your next relationship will be a lot more satisfying.

Let us know what eventually happens.