Dating, Sex, & Relationships

There is, of course, a great deal of individual variability in what I’ve written regarding tolerance for casual dating based on region, the sensibilities of the girl’s parents (that is, how the girl was raised), and, no less so, the girl’s age. A 30-year old unattached Chinese woman is going to be dealing with a remarkable degree of pressure from her family, friends, and coworkers to find a husband. Obviously, this will not hold true for a girl in her early 20s.

Even in China, there is a fine line between talking over a casual cup of tea and serious dating but, unfortunately, that line doesn’t extend to weeks of dating unless the girl is just looking for casual sex (and while this is not a common scenario, it would be possible to find such a girl in Shanghai for a young Scandinavian guy).

When you wrote “I am (naturally) not contemplating marriage at this point,” did you mean with this particular girl (as you don’t know her yet) or with anyone? If you are open to marriage with the right girl at this time, then that’s fine. However, if you are just looking for a casual relationship “with benefits,” then you just need to be perfectly honest about your intentions.

Finally, don’t be afraid to talk directly with the girl as the best method for ascertaining her particular sensibilities and reactions in regard to “a few weekend lunches.” If she agrees to have lunch with you the first time, then (during lunch) simply inform her of what you have in mind, i.e., you invited her out in order that the two of you would have the chance to get to know each other better. Then see how she reacts. If she smiles and indicates she is comfortable with this arrangement, so be it. If, on the other hand, she says something like “Oh, thank you for choosing me, I think you are wonderful too. I can’t wait to tell my mother. When would you like to meet my parents?” (this actually happened to me my first year in China) then a few casual weekend lunches with no strings attached are probably out of the question.

Hello and thank you very much for your insight.

When I wrote that I was not contemplating marriage at this point I meant that I did not yet have such thoughts about girl in the sense that I don't know her well enough. To me it just feels really unnatural to contemplate marriage in the first few months of dating, let alone before a relationship even gets to the dating stage. I am open to marriage if the right girl were to come along but it feels far too premature in this instance to consider that, perhaps due to the culture I was brought up in.

I should have made it clearer that I'm not interested in a "friends with benefits" relationship. Having read your Guide in full I understand that dating and especially sex is a much bigger deal here than it is back in the West and that it can have very negative consequences for a girl's future to have dated and/or had sex with a foreigner. In light of that realization, I am not intending to cross that line in a relationship with a Chinese girl until I am convinced that the relationship is mutually serious.

To me, the cultural barrier currently seems extremely steep in terms of simply not knowing where to begin in starting a "more meaningful" relationship on this side of the world: as what would be considered normal or perhaps even a little bit naive or "cute" by my cultural standards could be potentially considered as a grave cultural taboo here.

But then again, I am admittedly Western so I probably (hopefully!) do get some cultural leeway. She (and everyone else) of course fully realizes that I come from a very different cultural background and I may perhaps be trying too hard "fit in"; it is certainly impossible to live in, let alone integrate with, a foreign culture without committing a blunder or two (or a hundred!).

Your perspective was useful and although the sort of reaction you posed (and were subject to in your first year in China!) is a rather scary prospect, it is good to hear that such an invitation is not necessarily considered to be as "big of a step" in the courtship game as I feared it might be.

I will follow your advice and just be sure to make my intentions clear to avoid any misunderstandings.