Hello. My name is Jim.

I've been talking to a girl in Guilin, China. She is 40-years old and has never married. She had a boyfriend at one point but saw him talking to another girl and ended it. Her father got cancer and felt she had to take care of him and watch over her mother. They have both passed away, and she is now looking to get married!

She speaks very little English and has a translator for all our emails. We have been getting to know each other for six months and I am flying out to her city in September 2010. I guess my question is this: Is this normal for a girl that age to never have been with a guy? And what should I be asking her without showing disrespect to her or her family? When I told her, when I see her at the airport, I'm gonna give her a "big fat kiss," she responded with, "I hope you understand with my culture I cannot kiss you before our marriage!! In one way I was very happy to hear this, but in another way it scared me into thinking, is she holding back for other reasons?

Thanks for any advice you may have.

James

Hi Jim,

Your girlfriend is 40-years old and from a second-tier city. In this context it is very likely she has "never been with a guy," in the biblical sense, as she has never been married.

As you are obviously visiting her in contemplation of marriage, it is entirely appropriate for you to ask her anything that is important to you just as long as you do it respectfully or, from our Western perspective, indirectly. It is certainly possible that her explanation for why she never married is legitimate. Keep in mind that marriage opportunities in China decrease in a logarithmic fashion as women surpass the 30-year old mark.

I was recently discussing this very issue with a 42-year old, divorced, Chinese colleague of mine. She holds a doctorate in psychology and is an associate professor. Although her preference would be to marry another Chinese, because doing so would make life a lot easier for her, she is also very quick to acknowledge that her only real chance at a second marriage will be with a Western man.

My biggest concern is that the woman you are considering for marriage can't speak much English and has to rely on an interpreter to communicate with you. Cross-cultural marriages are difficult enough--due, in part, to barriers in communication and cross-cultural differences--when the woman speaks a moderate degree of English. This will only work in the long-run, I think, if you are willing to live in China for a good long time, learn some Chinese, and are willing to exercise the patience of Job.

Best of luck to you.

No, no, no, a thousand times no!!! At forty-years old, the hopes of having a (healthy child) are nil. The hopes of having anything in common, nil. Common language, understanding, common interests, nil. Her chance of being a sociable, entertaining and understanding life partner would be absolutely nil.

Please, if everything is translated through a third party now, do you think you could have a deep, meaningful relationship in the future if there's a need to have a third party involved? Relationship via electronic dictionary? Are you certain that her feelings are properly expressed through the third party?

My honest advice: give your head a shake and look for someone a little closer to home who can at least understand the difference between a steak and filet mignon.

Thanks for your advice!

I do not intend to live in China and there are many women having babies after forty.

I kinda like the fact she doesn't speak English and she is studying for when I go in September! You're right about the part of translations, it's highly likely that the letters would be confused during the translation process. This is why I have the translation lady's phone number also. I look at this as an adventure and do not yet know if she is right for me or if I am right for her! The word marriage was her word. We both understand that we are at the stage of getting to know each other still. Once we see each other and spend time with each other, we will know whether there is an attraction! I have no intentions of marrying her this year. I've lived with Asian girls in the past and I understand Asian women are very different, but at the end of the day they are women just the same. We are all looking for the same thing: respect, compassion, honor and a partner that will last for a life time. None of us can see the future! I do know if there is patience and understanding of each other's differences, one can have a good life with any woman, Asian or any other wise!

I thank both of you for your advice and will keep it in mind, and welcome any other points of view.

Jimmy