Dating, Sex, & Relationships

Hi, Dr. Greg, I’ve got a major problem and I can use some advice from someone I believe is trustworthy and knows what he is talking about.

I was in China for four months when I was introduced to this Chinese woman by my school’s FAO. She works as a receptionist at the front desk of a 5 star hotel in town. Her English is very good and I thought she was very attractive.

I was very surprised when she told me she was 40 yrs old. She looked about 30 to me. I am 44. After we had only 3 dates, she invited me home to meet her family. I didn’t think anything of it at the time so I agreed. But when I got there the whole situation was very strange. Her brothers were calling me ‘brother-in-law’ and her father was calling me ‘son-in-law’. Then, the following day she told me that her father had just purchased her apartment as a wedding gift for us! I thought I was going to have a heart attack when she told me this.

The other thing that is bothering me is that she denies any boyfriends from the past. She claims that I was her first boyfriend and that she was a virgin before we slept together. Is this possible? Is there such a thing as a 40 yr old virgin in China? So now she is telling me that the only right thing for me to do is to marry her. I don’t believe her story at all because she seems much too experienced in bed to be a virgin. I have also read about how there is surgery in China for women to repair their hymens and I think this is what she did. But she is insisting that I was the one who took her virginity.

When I told her that I didn’t want to marry someone I had only known for less than a month, she went crazy. She threw my new 12,000 RMB laptop out the window of my apartment on the 17th floor. She threw the rice cooker against the t.v. and broke the screen and she ripped the telephone out of the wall and threw that out the window too. Finally I decided to restrain her and now she is telling her family that I beat her. All I did was just hold her by the wrists so that she wouldn’t cause any more damage. Her father is supposedly a very important person in the local government.

Now she says her father is going to have me deported if I don’t marry her and I tend to believe that. I am really scared. What should I do? I was thinking I should just go back home on my own but that would mean breaking my contract with the school. I tried to discuss this situation with my school and all they did was inform me that if I break my contract they will ‘take matters into their own hands’ and that I have to pay them 5,000 rmb in damages to the apartment which my girlfriend caused. So now I have two separate entities threatening me.

I really need help with this. What should I do. HELP.

James

Note: When I first read this, I wondered if it was a joke. To make certain, I contacted the author by e-mail asking him for his real name and telephone number, which he provided. After discussing this situation with him for over an hour on the phone, I am convinced that the story he related is quite real. The original question was edited to remove any identifying information.

It doesn’t help the original poster to review everything he did wrong, but as I am sure it will help others, I will take the time to do just that.

For starters, never ever have sex with a local girl in China who claims to be a virgin (whether she is in fact a virgin is truly besides the point—her claim needs to be taken seriously due to the grave implications it has) unless: 1) She fully understands that you have no intentions of marrying her at this time (and this is still extremely risky business) or; 2) You plan to marry her. It is really that simple.

Second, never ever agree to meet the girl’s family unless you have plans to marry her. In China, this is tantamount to an announcement of engagement.

Third, you need to always keep in mind that, in China, unmarried women over the age of 30 are desperate to get married. Not only will the women feel desperate, but so too will their families. From the perspective of a 40-year old “virgin” in China, you were her last chance at matrimony and “living happily ever after.”

Now, having just written all of this and after speaking with the author, I think there is a good chance the OP is the victim of a scam involving both this family and the school. The OP owns a successful business in the states and everyone involved is aware of this (which, by the way, is the fourth and probably biggest mistake the OP made).

As I am relatively convinced that this is all about money, I am also just as certain that money will “fix” the problem. I would suggest that you offer the girl a sum of money, to be negotiated, for her “trouble” and that you offer the school another sum of money to release you from the contract as well as provide you with a letter of recommendation in which it is clearly states that you finished your commitment to the school, performed well, and that you are “worthy” to remain in China. Ask the school not to process your paperwork until after you have found another job and until the new school has converted your residency permit to their sponsorship. Do not agree to have them downgrade your residency permit to a tourist visa: in most provinces, the local PSB will be unable to convert that back to a Z-visa. Make sure to put all of these terms in writing before you hand over the money. In addition, have the women sign a receipt for whatever monies you pay her.

For those of you who are single men and thinking about teaching English in China, please make a point of reading the eight unit chapter on Dating, Sex, and Relationships in China in the guide before getting involved with Chinese girls.

Good luck to you Jim and let us know what happens.

I thought I should add a follow-up because you were so kind to spend so much of your time with me on this.

You were basically right that money was eventually able to fix the problem but that only took care of part of it because the woman I was involved with started stalking me for weeks after I left town. She found out my new location from the old school, quit her job, moved down to the same city, learned where I was teaching and showed up in one of my classes one day.

It was all very sad really because I think what she wanted most was to get married but she was so crazy about it. I explained to her that I was falling in love with her but that she scared me away by rushing everything and acting so crazy. She then told me that if I married her, she wouldn’t make any other demands on me and that I could even have younger girlfriends because she wouldn’t care. She just wanted to be married. Unfortunately, she still insists that she was a virgin before we slept together. I’m beginning to think that maybe she really was and I felt terrible about that.

In the end, she wouldn’t accept any money from me but the school required a payment of 12,000 RMB which they claimed I owed them for her damages to the apartment and for the breach penalty. I was glad to pay them and get the hell out of there.

I just wanted you to know that everything did work out for me in the end but it was a very frightening experience while it was happening.

Thanks for all your help and for being there.

Jim

This Chinese girl virgin thing is not a problem for me now in Shanghai but it was a bloody nightmare when I was teaching in Rizhao. Any girls there who are not married or working as prostitutes are all virgins. That was one of the main reasons I left. I’m not into gunshot weddings or big payoffs and it got lonely and old real fast.

To avoid this problem a few foreigners even hire a temporary wife there for RMB4000 a month. This is a prostitute who lives with the guy and takes care of his place and his needs. They even hold hands when in public like a real boyfriend and girlfriend. The big problem though is that they can’t speak a word of English.

If you are a single guy and you don’t plan on being celibate your entire time in China, avoid anything but big cities.