The truth is they will find you.
More often than not, the Chinese girlfriend of another foreign teacher at the same school will have already told her unattached girlfriends about you, well before you ever arrive in China and this becomes the greatest and easiest source of meeting girls. However, in our experience, most of these introductions are to girls who can only speak a minimal amount of English (if that) as the introduction was not made because her friend can necessarily speak any English at all but usually because this friend had previously expressed an interest in meeting a foreign man (based on what she has observed between her girlfriend and her Western boyfriend). What then typically happens is that the mutual friend who made the introduction becomes that couple's designated interpreter until such time that the man acquires a little bit of Chinese language skills or until the new couple becomes comfortable enough with each other communicating with a combination of body language and the use of a pocket dictionary (and that can work over time if both parties are extremely patient and forgiving—but be forewarned that this is a very exhausting and frustrating way to try to have a relationship).
In addition to personal introductions (which are by far the easiest and most reliable way to meet girls in any culture), many foreigners have reported a great deal of luck by attending university and community English Corners (see unit 19d for a detailed description). In fact, many English-speaking girls do attend these functions primarily for the purpose of meeting eligible foreign men.
Another possibility, especially if you are into this scene, is to frequent neighborhood bars that have acquired the reputation of being "foreign bars," i.e., bars where, for one reason or another, foreigners tend to congregate more so than at others. You will find a great many English-speaking Chinese girls at these establishments as well. Just be completely certain that the girl is unattached and is not just using you to make some boyfriend she is angry with jealous (we've heard some horrific stories about this). In addition, a good measure of pent-up frustration mixed with copious amounts of alcohol tends to make for one volatile combination: Be advised that there often seems to be some altercation or outbreak of fighting at these various watering holes, especially if the preponderance of patrons are young men (involving both foreigners and Chinese).
Actually, just about any place or business visited or staffed by Chinese girls who speak English can potentially be a meeting place if the girl is actively seeking a Western boyfriend. If a girl attempts to strike up a conversation with you in English, assuming she is not just looking for a free English language tutor (and that does happen often and is, initially, always a hidden agenda), this is usually a good sign. One foreign teacher we know is now married to a girl, a pharmacist, whom he met when he needed help in a particular drug store she happened to be working in at the time. She approached him to inquire if he needed help while he was walking around looking totally lost and the rest is history.
Finally, for those men who are Internet savvy, a few have reported having had good experiences with the online dating service AsiaFriendFinder.com (only available in China via a proxy server, effective 2008). However, if you do decide to use an online dating service, you should be forewarned that many, if not most, of the girls on these sites could accurately be described as gold diggers and visa hunters, and, in addition, it is not unusual for prostitutes to sell their wares on these sites as well (and, in many cases, it is not obvious that the girls are, in fact, "working girls"). In addition, wholesale lying about one's age and using photographs that are either 10-years' old or that even belong to someone else are commonplace among members of any Internet dating website (several use photos of Chinese actresses unknown to foreign men that were gleaned off the Internet). If the girl is not local, insist on the use of a webcam or a recent plain photo, i.e., one not shot in a studio by a professional photographer. These "glamour shots" are virtually worthless in determining what the girl really looks like. If the girl, for whatever reason, doesn't have a webcam and refuses to provide you with a current "plain" photograph of herself (e.g., "sorry, I don't have a camera"), she is most definitely misrepresenting herself to you with the hope that once you meet her, her less attractive or much older and heavier appearance won't matter as much in the context of her wonderful and charming personality. On the other hand, as girls on these sites, especially AsiaFriendFinder.com, are relatively better educated and more Westernized and sophisticated than their off-line counterparts, many are there seeking casual dating relationships as well as "friends with benefits."
Henny Youngman, the famous American stand-up comedian from the 1940s and 50s, often referred to as the "king of the one-liners," is highly-renowned for his telling of the following joke during his nightclub routine:
My wife said to me, 'For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before.'
I said, 'Try the kitchen!'
I strongly suspect there are a lot of urban Chinese (and not a few foreign) husbands today who can easily relate to the humor in this famous quip.
If what you are truly seeking is a girlfriend or wife who was raised to believe that it is her primary responsibility to take care of her husband and their home, in my opinion at least, you will not find this among the vast majority of Chinese girls, particularly among those raised in the city by middle- and upper-middle class families. In fact, girls from Shanghai and Sichuan province are notorious for assuming zero caretaking responsibilities in regard to their men and homes, and, in fact, they expect that the men will dote on and take care of them exclusively (including the expectation that the men will take care of the home and cook for them).
Waverly (actress Vu Mai) in a public display of rage in film Joy Luck Club adapted from the book by Amy Tan.
Keep in mind, as well, that even if you are fortunate enough to find a Chinese girl who is willing to take care of you and your home, she may very well not have the faintest idea how to, especially if her parents were married anytime during or after 1979 (the year China's one-child policy went into effect), or if she is the youngest child born to a family of many siblings, i.e., the "baby" of the family. In such instances (either single child or youngest born), these girls have been terribly spoiled and overindulged, and it is very likely that the only demand ever made of them by their parents was to study hard and earn good grades in school. Consequently, most Chinese girls (barring those who are much older or are divorced with a child), have absolutely no idea how to cook, clean, sew, iron or otherwise take care of a home (or even themselves for that matter). If they have worked for a company that provided them with a dormitory, away from their parent's residence, they may know how to wash clothes—but, as they probably ate exclusively at the company's cafeteria, they will not know how to cook. A few Chinese college students, living away from home, will actually pack up their dirty clothes and mail them to their mothers for cleaning, ironing and return delivery—as incredible as this may seem to Westerners.
Another consequence of the single-child policy and the tendency of parents and grandparents to overindulge their only child and grandchild is low frustration tolerance and poor impulse control. The vast majority of foreign men married to Chinese women we have spoken with report a very high incidence of acting-out behaviors in regard to both verbal and physical aggression. Withdrawn and sulking behavior followed suddenly and unexpectedly by angry verbal outbursts and physical assaults is not unheard of, at least in intercultural marriages as reported by dozens upon dozens of foreign men we have interviewed.
Consider the following personal account by a Western man married to a Chinese woman (names and locations were removed to protect the identity of the author):
Even my own wife has admitted (once) that she takes advantage of my temperate disposition and fair-mindedness to try to put it over me.
My own wife used to be physically violent with me quite a bit. Hitting and scratching, punching, even biting etc (basically, the untamed 3 year old). One time she smacked me across the head with a heavy book on the bus, and brought blood to my forehead.
She doesn't do it anymore, though. The last time she hit me, about two years ago, I jabbed her back with a short, sharp jab/punch to the shoulder - the only time I have ever hit a woman. It wasn't enough to cause any damage, but hard enough to let her know that physical violence is unacceptable, at least where I come from. And I told her so directly. It was basically like disciplining a child with a smack. We have talked about this since, and she admits that when she was little her father was "very weak" and she was treated like a princess. i.e. she never had appropriate boundaries set. Many Chinese kids get so much attention when they are little (esp. girls) that they grow up with a completely different mindset to western kids. Many expect the world to revolve around them, esp. now with the one child policy.
If you see any indications of this type of behavior while you are dating, you need to address it immediately and make it eminently clear that this is entirely unacceptable. Ignoring, tolerating or acquiescing to it will only reinforce it and make it far worse over time. Keep in mind that if you do try to set limits after having first established a pattern of accepting aggressive or controlling acting-out behaviors, expect the unacceptable behavior to worsen in both frequency and intensity for a brief period of time before it improves (in what behavioral psychologists refer to as an "extinction burst"). However, if the girl does not respond favorably to appropriate limit- and boundary-setting over a reasonable period of time, then you need to either end the relationship or resign yourself to a life of emotional and, perhaps, even physical abuse.
If you do decide to end the relationship, you should do so in a public place only (most Chinese girls will not make a scene in public) and you should first make certain that the girl does not have access to your apartment or anything else you value (for example, if the girl has a key to your apartment, find a way of obtaining it before you speak to her).
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